Why Presidents Make the Best Action Figures
Introducing Megan Freeman, one of Mirador’s new monthly columnists! Her articles are posted on the fourth Monday of every month.
It’s President’s Day weekend, and as usual, I am one of the few people who is actually excited for the holiday. Every year, the third Monday of February rolls around, and I find myself wondering the same things: Why doesn’t anybody know what holiday it is? Is there no appropriate gift I can purchase for my loved ones? And why won’t anybody come to my President’s Day party?
Fortunately, I’ve come up with the perfect solution for two of these three questions (people still won’t come to my parties), just in time for this year’s President’s Day weekend: presidential action figures.
Think about it. What better way to celebrate a holiday than to make wee plastic figurines of powerful men and reenact their greatest moments?
I can see it now, young boys and girls glued to the television when suddenly a voice rises from the regular clamor of infomercials:
“Hey kids! Are you stuck at home over President’s Day weekend? Are you tired of your boring old toys? Don’t you wish that your Barbies and Bratz dolls had more substance and character? Or that your super hero figurines could save the world without resorting to violence? Well, say goodbye to those problems! Introducing Presidential Action Figures! Each president, cast in durable, high quality plastic, has its own fun adventures to discover. With your very own George Washington figure, you can… Cross the Delaware! Chop down cherry trees! Powder your wig! Quell uprisings! Brush your wooden teeth! Ride your horse Nelson! Bicker with Martha! And much, much more! With an Andrew Jackson figure, you can… Disregard the judicial branch! Have a rough and tumble childhood! Forcibly relocate thousands of Native Americans on the Trail of Tears! Dissolve the national bank! And much, much more! But the fun doesn’t stop there! Collect all 44 for maximum fun! Presidential Action Figures. Buy one today at your local toy store. Each president sold separately.”
Even the lesser known presidents would be a blast. Just think of the fun to be had playing out William Henry Harrison’s death after 32 days in office, Warren G. Harding provoking the Great Railroad Strike, John Quincy Adams swimming nude in the Potomac, or William Howard Taft getting stuck in the white house bathtub.
Truly the possibilities for this business endeavor are endless. Once all figures of the presidents are out, accessories will sell like hotcakes. Who wouldn’t want to buy a wheelchair for FDR, all 80 pairs of pants that Chester A. Arthur owned, or a saxophone for Bill Clinton? There could even be a tiny Air Force One to transport the leaders. And the White House would top any dream house Barbie ever owned.
Obviously, this idea is a goldmine, so please excuse me as I hurry to the patent office and the millions start a-rollin’ in.